The Olympics opening ceremony- as it happened.

The following is an exchange between your humble correspondent and olde friend whom I shall call "Oh". It took place via Skpe during the opening ceremony as the athletes came out.

**LANGUAGE WARNING**
[8/08/2008 10:51:07 PM] Thomasr said: I predict the couldron will be lit Barcelona style but using a trebuchet instead of a bow, and flaming dissidents instead of an arrow.

[8/08/2008 10:51:13 PM] Thomasr said: thoughts?

[8/08/2008 10:54:12 PM] Oh said: a giant wok

[8/08/2008 10:54:32 PM] Thomasr said: filled with burning tibetans?

[8/08/2008 10:54:59 PM] Oh said: why give them a platform

[8/08/2008 10:55:19 PM] Thomasr said: ...when you can give them a BBQ?

[8/08/2008 10:55:41 PM] Oh said: nice to see so many soldiers dressed up as ethnic minorities and doves though....

[8/08/2008 10:59:25 PM] Thomasr said: now comes the bit I love. The re enactment of the guy in front of the tank RUN THE FUCKER OVER!

[8/08/2008 11:00:39 PM] Oh said: the green games !! did you catch that. perhaps our government should order industry shut down 15 minutes before the Kyoto deadline on pain of death.

[8/08/2008 11:01:12 PM] Thomasr said: I dont see why the Chinese should stop opening a new coal powered electricity plant every 30 fuggin days however.

[8/08/2008 11:01:23 PM] Thomasr said: [btw: powered by aussie coal!]

[8/08/2008 11:01:27 PM] Oh said: rick birch doesn't mind going the not so snide hack

[8/08/2008 11:01:37 PM] Thomasr said: did he miss out on this one?

[8/08/2008 11:01:50 PM] Thomasr said: It's like an Eistedford with unlimited budget.

[8/08/2008 11:01:58 PM] Thomasr said: rick b is Mr G with money

[8/08/2008 11:02:41 PM] Oh said: chinese michael bolton

[8/08/2008 11:02:52 PM] Thomasr said: has better hair however

[8/08/2008 11:03:51 PM] Oh said: who's the whitey?

[8/08/2008 11:04:14 PM] Thomasr said: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ex Sarah Brightman

[8/08/2008 11:04:48 PM] Oh said: it's a massive Benneton ad

[8/08/2008 11:05:19 PM] Thomasr said: those firecrackers are made out of human fat. That’s a fact.

[8/08/2008 11:05:47 PM] Oh said: tibetans burn brighter

[8/08/2008 11:06:04 PM] Thomasr said: but shorter dude. c'mon. we all know that after much trial and error

[8/08/2008 11:06:55 PM] Oh said: i know but they make that great deep humming noise on the way down

[8/08/2008 11:07:51 PM] Thomasr said: christ they have brought out Sandy Roberts... where's Lorraine Dick when you need her?

[8/08/2008 11:08:46 PM] Oh said: did i just see the peruvian pipers from the vic market?

[8/08/2008 11:09:27 PM] Thomasr said: sure. It's a multi cultural event.

[8/08/2008 11:09:46 PM] Thomasr said: look out, here come the asthmatics, I mean athletes

[8/08/2008 11:10:15 PM] Oh said: only 202 to go

[8/08/2008 11:10:35 PM] Thomasr said: those greeks look fucking smug "oh look, we invented this shit"

[8/08/2008 11:10:47 PM] Thomasr said: START THE SHOOTING I say

[8/08/2008 11:11:18 PM] Oh said: well its the only thing the chinese aren't laying claim to inventing tonight

[8/08/2008 11:11:41 PM] Thomasr said: I think the chinese skipped on inventing global warming.

[8/08/2008 11:11:56 PM] Thomasr said: they just do it better than anyone else.

[8/08/2008 11:12:07 PM] Oh said: and torture

[8/08/2008 11:12:29 PM] Thomasr said: WTF? what are the turks doing coming out first? Are the Kurds coming out last? Do they have to keep them apart?

[8/08/2008 11:12:55 PM] Thomasr said: bugger, what if the Cypriots come out next?

[8/08/2008 11:13:00 PM] Oh said: in order by Chinese characters. Australia 3rd last

[8/08/2008 11:13:33 PM] Oh said: Turkmenistan.

[8/08/2008 11:13:35 PM] Thomasr said: oh bollocks. How did that happen? RUDD WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Fix this shit

[8/08/2008 11:13:46 PM] Oh said: borat

[8/08/2008 11:14:06 PM] Thomasr said: Ah I see now.

[8/08/2008 11:14:17 PM] Thomasr said: who is last?

[8/08/2008 11:14:24 PM] Thomasr said: Taiwan right?

[8/08/2008 11:14:52 PM] Thomasr said: though I bet the announcer says "taiwan!!!!.... taiwan...?..... Taiwan????....????????"

[8/08/2008 11:14:56 PM] Oh said: there is no Chinese character for Taiwan

[8/08/2008 11:15:05 PM] Thomasr said: then we'll just go to the lighting of the tibetans.

[8/08/2008 11:15:58 PM] Thomasr said: Malaysia look like a cert in the sodomy heptathlon...

[8/08/2008 11:16:59 PM] Oh said: things are getting serious. Bwuce is out.

[8/08/2008 11:17:16 PM] Thomasr said: ...as in gay?

[8/08/2008 11:17:25 PM] Oh said: no

[8/08/2008 11:17:54 PM] Thomasr said: that poor fucker for the Marshall Isl wearing arse grass instead of pants. He must have drawn the short grassy straw.

[8/08/2008 11:18:36 PM] Thomasr said: No Sandy, when I think of Bhutan, I think of dope growing wild in the streets.

[8/08/2008 11:19:32 PM] Oh said: hotties

[8/08/2008 11:20:06 PM] Thomasr said: "their women are stunning" I agree with Bruce

[8/08/2008 11:20:16 PM] Oh said: and he'd know

[8/08/2008 11:21:02 PM] Thomasr said: here we go, those Israelis will be up for a punch on with anyone.

[8/08/2008 11:21:07 PM] Oh said: pity sandy wasn’t disqualified for the same reason

[8/08/2008 11:21:40 PM] Thomasr said: Weighing in heavy you mean? Agreed.

[8/08/2008 11:21:55 PM] Oh said: mmm. quite right tony

[8/08/2008 11:22:11 PM] Thomasr said: Why do they insist on calling table tennis; table tennis? We all know it’s fucking ping pong

[8/08/2008 11:22:31 PM] Oh said: especially when played in ching chong

[8/08/2008 11:22:45 PM] Thomasr said: and badminton? FUCKING SHUTTLECOCK

[8/08/2008 11:22:50 PM] Thomasr said: Christ, here comes Taiwan.

[8/08/2008 11:22:56 PM] Oh said: i know

[8/08/2008 11:23:04 PM] Oh said: standing ovation

[8/08/2008 11:23:19 PM] Thomasr said: ROGUE STATE

[8/08/2008 11:23:27 PM] Thomasr said: I think the shooting starts now

[8/08/2008 11:23:28 PM] Oh said: dead men walking

[8/08/2008 11:23:39 PM] Thomasr said: and next.... HUGE FUCKING TANKS!

[8/08/2008 11:24:15 PM] Oh said: ahh the special autonomous region

[8/08/2008 11:24:26 PM] Oh said: dude !!

[8/08/2008 11:25:06 PM] Thomasr said: Benin- blew their entire budget on costumes.

[8/08/2008 11:25:38 PM] Oh said: is eddie murphy competing

[8/08/2008 11:25:44 PM] Thomasr said: Do Pakistan know that Mauritania stole their flag?

Mauritania flag- must have got a grad to design their flag. Like all grad work; it's a rip off.

Pakistani flag- likely to be pissed when they read this

[8/08/2008 11:26:11 PM] Thomasr said: Eddie is in the mutherfucking looong jump mother fucker.

[8/08/2008 11:26:31 PM] Oh said: prince fredrick of denmanrk has an iphone but can't work it !!

[8/08/2008 11:26:57 PM] Thomasr said: Uganda look great in the human skin suits. Idi must be proud... if a little dead.

[8/08/2008 11:27:15 PM] Thomasr said: i just texted prince freddie "u r dikhed LOLZ!"

[8/08/2008 11:28:57 PM] Oh said: have uraguay not sent a soccer team?

[8/08/2008 11:29:54 PM] Thomasr said: i think they are eating each other in a crashed plane somewhere

[8/08/2008 11:31:10 PM] Thomasr said: no gold for Brazil? is there no hot chick Olympics?

[8/08/2008 11:31:20 PM] Oh said: is brazil competing in womens beach volley ball

[8/08/2008 11:31:36 PM] Thomasr said: hope so or tv is going out window

[8/08/2008 11:32:06 PM] Oh said: never wear a tshirt and blazer is my rule

[8/08/2008 11:32:16 PM] Thomasr said: good rule too

[8/08/2008 11:32:34 PM] Thomasr said: thoughts on wearing a boater?

[8/08/2008 11:32:59 PM] Oh said: too dazzled by their hottie

[8/08/2008 11:33:21 PM] Thomasr said: ...also a good rule

[8/08/2008 11:34:53 PM] Oh said: right that confirms who is selling nuclear technology then

[8/08/2008 11:34:58 PM] Thomasr said: is aiding international terrorism a category?

[8/08/2008 11:35:14 PM] Oh said: well palestine is a chance

[8/08/2008 11:35:21 PM] Thomasr said: pakistan for gold in both

[8/08/2008 11:35:21 PM] Oh said: saudis a sure bet

[8/08/2008 11:35:59 PM] Oh said: is anyone left in cuba

[8/08/2008 11:36:09 PM] Oh said: did they all come for a feed

[8/08/2008 11:36:33 PM] Thomasr said: Medical treatment more like

[8/08/2008 11:38:09 PM] Thomasr said: the Qatar team hotel is short some bed sheets

[8/08/2008 11:38:25 PM] Oh said: is falconing and being rich a sport?

[8/08/2008 11:38:53 PM] Thomasr said: sure, done properly

[8/08/2008 11:40:24 PM] Oh said: is piano accordian a sport

[8/08/2008 11:40:39 PM] Thomasr said: on Thursdays at a retirement home it is.

[8/08/2008 11:42:22 PM] Thomasr said: lithuania- dressed by kermit the frog

[8/08/2008 11:43:59 PM] Thomasr said: the nigerians need to transfer some money post games.... care to help sir?

[8/08/2008 11:45:31 PM] Thomasr said: here comes Canada- they are not the usa by the way...!

[8/08/2008 11:47:30 PM] Oh said: city states !!

[8/08/2008 11:47:47 PM] Oh said: are all the tax havens in?

[8/08/2008 11:48:53 PM] Oh said: the Vatican?

[8/08/2008 11:49:05 PM] Thomasr said: luxemburg

[8/08/2008 11:49:14 PM] Oh said: saw them

[8/08/2008 11:49:16 PM] Thomasr said: hutt river...?

[8/08/2008 11:49:22 PM] Oh said: ?

[8/08/2008 11:49:44 PM] Thomasr said: http://www.principality-hutt-river.com/

[8/08/2008 11:53:44 PM] Oh said: the bermuda short. very nice

[8/08/2008 11:54:09 PM] Thomasr said: they got them cheap.

[8/08/2008 11:54:30 PM] Thomasr said: I think the Rwandans killed each other during their lap

[8/08/2008 11:54:39 PM] Oh said: is the other Congo not democratic?

[8/08/2008 11:55:07 PM] Oh said: the Halliburton team

[8/08/2008 11:55:13 PM] Thomasr said: they dont like to go on about it.

[8/08/2008 11:55:57 PM] Thomasr said: watch for the iraqis. if one starts fiddling with something next to the track, then the sprint events begin NOW.

[8/08/2008 11:56:50 PM] Thomasr said: "so colourful" translation: "they looking fucking stupid"

[8/08/2008 11:56:59 PM] Oh said: just gorgeous. bruce calls it again.

[8/08/2008 11:57:12 PM] Thomasr said: just... as in "barely"

[8/08/2008 11:57:12 PM] Oh said: he can spot the babes

[8/08/2008 11:57:34 PM] Thomasr said: they used channel 9's cricket camera men

[8/08/2008 11:58:21 PM] Oh said: bloody hell the washed up royalty turn up for this stuff in droves. it is like cape antibes in july !!

[8/08/2008 11:58:33 PM] Oh said: i didn't know hungary had a king

[8/08/2008 11:59:05 PM] Thomasr said: I thought queen Salote of Tonga ate him at QE II's coronation.

[12:02:38 AM] Thomasr said: there's a female shot putter from tonga- who'd have picked it?

[12:03:34 AM] Thomasr said: Finland sent 69 competitors. Nailing their colours to the mast somewhat.

[12:04:16 AM] Thomasr said: The Croatians are still strong in genocide.

[12:04:27 AM] Thomasr said: ...and stupid shoes

[12:05:13 AM] Oh said: expecting sand storms?

[12:05:25 AM] Thomasr said: no, chemical attacks.

[12:05:44 AM] Thomasr said: hey that beaded hair chick must be representing bali

[12:07:09 AM] Thomasr said: Cape Verde? I take it Wilson's Prom is next?

[12:07:21 AM] Thomasr said: or Cape Liptrap.

[12:07:28 AM] Oh said: cook isl

[12:07:40 AM] Thomasr said: they are handy in javelin

[12:07:53 AM] Thomasr said: if live prey is involved.

[12:09:30 AM] Oh said: dubai sucks

[12:09:40 AM] Thomasr said: ...said the UAE

[12:10:53 AM] Thomasr said: Argentina will not be entering the "reclaim a small island" comp after a savage loss in 82- a non olympic year.

[12:11:10 AM] Oh said: i am so conflicted. brazil has better women but argentina is more beautiful, has better wineries, beef and skiing.

[12:11:46 AM] Thomasr said: which one has better lotto draw show? thats how I decide.

[12:12:24 AM] Oh said: the audience is dictator central.

[12:12:50 AM] Thomasr said: I note that Mugabe was asked not to attend. Not for political reasons, but due to space.

[12:13:51 AM] Thomasr said: Great Britain - is their entire team made up of flight attendants?

[12:18:50 AM] Oh said: french uniform disappoints.

[12:19:35 AM] Oh said: although Poland made them look good.

[12:20:24 AM] Thomasr said: Anything that requires Poland to make it look good is having an off night.

[12:21:21 AM] Thomasr said: Bangladesh will be strong in swimming if that global warming caper gets going.

[12:22:23 AM] Oh said: 150 million people. six athletes.

[12:22:25 AM] Thomasr said: When your flag bearer is a para olympian, someone has the calendar screwed up.

[12:23:20 AM] Thomasr said: Bangladesh have 6 athletes this time round. By 2020 they'll have 120 million swimmers.

[12:23:59 AM] Thomasr said: Sandy's usually drunk by now. It's after midnight Oz time. He'll start swearing soon, mark me.

[12:23:59 AM] Oh said: Kuwait sent the royal family gun club

[12:24:12 AM] Thomasr said: ..and the falconers.

[12:25:18 AM] Oh said: any fucking bump currently above sea level gets a run in the games these days.

[12:26:01 AM] Oh said: time to consolidate. if you don’t have a medal in 100 yrs of competition. too bad. you’re out.

[12:26:50 AM] Oh said: wow they love the hard men and assassins. (putin)

[12:27:40 AM] Thomasr said: The USA look like extras from a Village People movie.

[12:27:58 AM] Oh said: nice 1920's Shanghai protectorate look.

[12:28:04 AM] Thomasr said: Actually is golf an Olympic sport?

[12:29:04 AM] Thomasr said: The black ones are the caddy’s. Big golf team though eh?

[12:29:52 AM] Oh said: dressed by Samuel l Jackson

[12:30:18 AM] Thomasr said: no wonder they are losing in Iraq- they are all in China.

[12:30:22 AM] Oh said: olimpify !

[12:30:54 AM] Oh said: loose lips, Sandy

[12:31:21 AM] Thomasr said: American Samoa- lemme guess hammer throw, Judo and eating.

[12:31:52 AM] Oh said: only 70 kg women’s judo. what about 159 kg?

[12:32:08 AM] Thomasr said: When asked about the host nation, the American Samoa judo expert described them as "delicious, but snackky"

[12:32:36 AM] Oh said: tastes like human. what do you call it?

[12:32:45 AM] Thomasr said: yellowcake

[12:32:50 AM] Oh said: hmmm

[12:34:03 AM] Thomasr said: their crown princess looks a tad blokey. like as in "an actual man"

[12:34:30 AM] Oh said: i think sandy might be a bit 'off'

[12:34:39 AM] Thomasr said: Egypt haven't been strong since the loss in '68.

[12:35:01 AM] Thomasr said: Sandy OFF? he's rarely on, and when he is on, it's never when he's on air.

[12:35:54 AM] Thomasr said: Lesotho are in sniper suits. Handy.

[12:36:27 AM] Oh said: another ugly mercenary war

[12:37:01 AM] Oh said: ahh african post colonial history.just one good news story after another

[12:37:29 AM] Thomasr said: the oppressors or the formerly oppressed.

[12:37:53 AM] Thomasr said: they should have a seperate category for countries with hyperinflation.

[12:38:21 AM] Oh said: georgia. coolflag !

[12:38:45 AM] Thomasr said: Norway and switzerland will be pissed however.

[12:39:18 AM] Thomasr said: Colombia- not so good in own goal soccer anymore.

[12:40:02 AM] Oh said: but still flying the flag for coke production

[12:43:12 AM] Oh said: haiti. they should make the voodoo final.

[12:43:24 AM] Thomasr said: are the czech team all Russian sailors?

[12:43:51 AM] Oh said: they are better dressed than the French

[12:43:55 AM] Thomasr said: If Haiti don't make the final, then I worry about the teams that do. Shrunken heads all round.

[12:46:12 AM] Oh said: where TF is micronesia. are they a failed state in our neighbourhood

[12:46:46 AM] Thomasr said: another team that fail the "land mass above 100 metres above sea level"

[12:47:09 AM] Oh said: a good test. should be imposed.

[12:47:25 AM] Thomasr said: in 30 yrs it will be.

[12:47:29 AM] Oh said: the 2020 rule

[12:47:33 AM] Thomasr said: trial by water no less.

[12:48:17 AM] Thomasr said: Slovenia are wearing Oz's outfits from the Prue Acton era.

[12:49:39 AM] Thomasr said: I think the Portuguese lost a bet vis a vis their outfits.

[12:51:11 AM] Thomasr said: Cameroon- another team there just for the food hall.

[12:51:44 AM] Oh said: is there anything bruce doesn't know

[12:52:25 AM] Thomasr said: what the fuck Sandy is on about. Yes. Bruce certainly doesn’t know that.

[12:52:33 AM] Oh said: "...menstruating this week, but will come into her own next week.."

[12:53:20 AM] Thomasr said: For betting purposes we must know their cycles.

[12:54:19 AM] Oh said: how is sailing a strength in austria

[12:54:29 AM] Oh said: do they have a lake

[12:54:39 AM] Oh said: or did i fail geography

[12:55:52 AM] Thomasr said: They are all trying to sail away from Germany.

[12:56:13 AM] Oh said: sweden v dissapointing.

[12:56:27 AM] Thomasr said: Nauru- strong in birdshit but fuck all else.

[12:56:40 AM] Thomasr said: WHERE WERE THE HOTTY SWEDES?

[12:56:42 AM] Oh said: not what i have come to expect from my recent trip to stockholm

[12:56:52 AM] Thomasr said: that’s it. Cancel this shit.

[12:57:43 AM] Thomasr said: New Zealand popped by after a funeral.

[12:58:27 AM] Oh said: & 37 mechanics

[12:58:59 AM] Thomasr said: "uts ficked bro'"

[1:00:17 AM] Thomasr said: Serbia are not as strong in genocide as they were in 92

[1:01:30 AM] Oh said: no but some athletes ruled ineligible for further competition by the hague

[1:02:47 AM] Thomasr said: HA! due to excessive use of killing.

[1:03:30 AM] Oh said: well....if you wanna be a stickler for the rules...

[1:04:07 AM] Thomasr said: they used drugs like Lead. You have to be firm.

[1:04:34 AM] Oh said: nice polo hats

[1:04:49 AM] Thomasr said: shall we start a chukka?

[1:05:15 AM] Oh said: in doubt you have the ponies

[1:05:38 AM] Thomasr said: Christ the muslim countries will have a to call a pause to pray to mecca at this rate.

[1:05:50 AM] Oh said: monaco sent 5 accountants

[1:06:30 AM] Thomasr said: and the accountants accountant.

[1:07:25 AM] Thomasr said: JESUS H CHRIST IN A CHICKEN BASKET. The Aussies look like they fell in a toilet bowl of Jayes Blue.

[1:07:48 AM] Thomasr said: Please show Jessica Schipper. I need to throw up.

[1:08:17 AM] Oh said: sandy was thinking the outfits look shit but, give him credit as a professional, he said sensational (just thought "shit")

[1:08:29 AM] Thomasr said: y'know there are 10K athletes and we sent 450+

[1:08:59 AM] Thomasr said: Based on our population China ought to have a million athletes.

[1:09:06 AM] Oh said: we bat above our weight. And boy does the tax payer wear it.

[1:09:07 AM] Thomasr said: and thats just in gymnastics.

[1:10:02 AM] Thomasr said: "China, with their flag bearer, the experiment/pituitary cancer sufferer yao ming"

[1:11:57 AM] Thomasr said: It's great the way China can celebrate a person with gigantism.

[1:11:57 AM] Oh said: time to pull out the 12 yr glefiddich

[1:12:05 AM] Thomasr said: Amen to that.

[1:12:18 AM] Thomasr said: I have half a bottle of Mclaren vale

[1:14:29 AM] Thomasr said: Bruce just called Yao Ming a giant. So close to saying freak.

[1:15:03 AM] Oh said: righto. this looks over (as am i).

[1:15:12 AM] Thomasr said: I want to call equestrian "horsies". Can I get a "hell yeah"?