Thursday, January 20, 2005

Bike Cliches for 2005

At this time of year, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of the new bikes at Intermot, local shows and shops. But how much thought are you putting in to the your overall package? Sure a new bike is nice, but what are you do about accessorising? Queer Eye For The Straight Guy might not be you cup of lemon scented tea sweeties, but that doesn't mean you are immune from its central thrust (oooh err!)- Get it together fashion wise!!
Of course we motorcycling folk do not attend the same church, so here is an individual guide to your own particular clichéd branch of our subculture. We’ve got the cliché type, bike of choice for 2005, music to listen to, rider style guide, pillion style guide, what to do and wear when it rains, conversation starters in the pub and what’s in and what’s out!

Rider cliché: 600 CC boy racers
Bike of Choice: GSXR 600
Music: The Darkness, Jet, The Datsuns.
Rider Style: $1000+ new helmet every 6 months, Full leathers (vented), white boots, new (unmarked) knee sliders.
Pillion Style: Varies, but is always terrified.
When it Rains:: Clear plastic rain suit.
In the Pub: Tales of inspired late braking manoeuvres at “the island”, “the creek” etc. Also tells everyone: “600s are the new 750s”
In: Track days, cut slicks road or track, day-long rides, sore arses, raised rear sets (whether needed or not), race glass, bike trailers.
Out: Revving below 12,000rpm, non-radial brakes, speed limits, double white lines, 11 demerits.

Rider cliché: 250 cc road bikes (esp.: learners/p platers)
Bike of Choice: CBR 250RR
Music: Triple M, Australian idol, REM, U2.
Rider Style: Alpinestars stunt jacket, replica of a replica of a race replica helmet, Levi red tab jeans, Nike basketball shoes.
When it Rains:: panics, crashes.
In the Pub: Talks about other riders they saw passing them and near hits from that day.
Pillion Style: Illegal for L/P platers; so usually last seen running off into bushes when cops appear.
In: MotoGP (esp. 125 class), slip on race pipes (no retune), redlining every gear (on 3/4 throttle) squared off tyres, no demerits.
Out: Two strokes, riding alone, improving riding skills.

Rider cliché: 1000 cc sports bikes jockeys.
Bike of Choice: R1
Music: Thumpin' techno, hard house, NRG, happy trance, ticking clocks, redlining bikes.
Rider Style: 3/4 Shorts/baggy jeans, Jack Daniels t-shirt with race gloves, race replica helmet (obscure riders like DuHamel/Eric Bostrom preferred), car-racing booties.
When it Rains:: Panics coz wants to sell bike as "never ridden in rain".
In the Pub: Wouldn't be seen dead in a pub, but if there complains that jukebox doesn't have any Ministry of Sound.
Pillion Style: Wears as little as possible- bikini top, cut down jeans, g-string poking above shorts, backpack with nothing in it, badly fitted helmet. Always dressed like this, and usually is female.
In: Personalised number plates, Ghost Rider, short and near out of control 1st gear power wheelies, pillions, riding in packs of 5+, lane splitting at 150km/h, cocktail hour, organ donation.
Out: Ride days, going outside metro zone, cornering, mid week riding, 4th gear and above.

Rider cliché: Naked/Street fighter maverick riders
Bike of Choice: GSXR 1100, with tail end off an NSR 250, front end off a FZR 750, dials from a GSXR 1000 K3, etc.
Music: The Cult, Bon Scott, Neil Young.
Rider Style: Black everything- down to the jocks, race gloves tucked into jacket, tinted visor day or night, black jeans, army boots.
When it Rains:: Gets wet.
In the Pub: Talks in a voice so gravelly and deep the low frequencies cause bowel disruptions in others. Drinks bourbon- neat, no ice.
Pillion Style: No seat for pillion, but pegs remain for stand up wheelies.
In: Stunt days, turbos, nitrous kits, Elf Racing fuel, Simpson drag racing helmets, riding alone, stacked headlights, wheelie light, Renthals with cross bar and pad, stand up wheelies, rolling burnouts, off street drag racing, more than one paint colour on bike, not repairing crashes.
Out: Methanol, Track days, MotoGP, Race replica helmets, clip ons, fly screen, all other riders and all nodding.

Rider cliché: Old Farts.
Bike of Choice: Z1000. Looks just like the Goose's bike from MM1 if it had been ridden hard for 27 years and left out in the rain. Has some moss. Doing up a GS1000 as well- since ’87.
Music: Nothing new since '78. All music on vinyl, 8 track or reel to reel tapes. Eagles, Creedence, Floyd.
Rider Style: Same as last year- Cracked leather jacket/ old denim with patches. Moleskins/ jeans, mid 70's touring boots, more badges, matt black helmet with stickers- most peeling off. Any new items must be second hand. Bike has lots of cable ties and gaffa tape. Has sheepskin seat cover, unwashed and wool-less since '85. Ancient, faded, holed Gearsack.
When it Rains:: Whacks on a Dryzabone and gaiters, then rides faster.
In the Pub: Repeats old stories about races at Bathurst while wearing Akubra hat. Tells "hilarious" anecdotes about accidents and celebrity cock-ups.
Pillion Style: In sidecar, so unable to see what they are wearing. Person in said chair invariably a dog. Blue heeler preferred, but think twice about bandana.
In: Waving to all other riders, beards, bike- political activism, breaking down in the rain, spending hours looking for and installing parts.
Out: Modern racing (post W Gardner), car ownership, new bikes, new parts, new tyres, new anything.

Rider cliché: Urban Scooter Crew
Bike of Choice: Is not sure, "I just walked in, pointed at one of them and handed over the platinum card"
Music: Club dance tunes, Chill out, French House and "simply adores" John Butler. All on Ipod.
Rider Style: Income above $70K. Business suit on bike. Open face helmet with clear full-face screen and Dolce and Gabanna Sunglasses, Ipod. Male or female; impossible to tell.
When it Rains:: Public transport with Ipod on.
In the Pub: By accident. Asks for a macchiato, oyster shot or Asahi. Takes Ipod.
Pillion Style: None. Fresh foods from the market under seat, new hair products fill top box. Room for spare Ipod.
In: Ipod, Failing to acknowledge nods from other riders (no idea what they mean), lane splitting in stationary traffic, Ipod, four strokes, crashing at slow speed, walking away and Ipod.
Out: Two strokes, Getting another bike, old Ipod, the car, fuel bills/premium unleaded,, getting scooter serviced, performing own repairs, filling oil, tyres or "radiator thingy"

Rider cliché: Yuppie Harley riders.
Bike of Choice: New orange V-Rod with all factory extras.
Music: Beethoven, adult contemporary mature rock.
Rider Style: New leather vest, new Thomas Cook boots, DKNY Jeans, fingerless gloves, open face helmet, prescription glasses.
When it Rains:: Considers trading bike in on a newer, clean one.
In the Pub: Tries to engage other Harley riders in conversation. Gets punched.
Pillion Style: Wife who has absolutely no interest in bikes. Rides once a year and says, "That’s enough for this year". Says same about sex.
In: Rimless prescription glasses, after market pipes, revving in neutral, waving madly to other Harleys, handle bar tassles.
Out: The MV Agusta 750, Ducati Senna and all clothing or accessories worn last year.

Rider cliché: Ducati Riders
Bike of Choice: 999s, but there is a 916 in the garage.
Music: Andrea Bocelli, Guns n Roses, Joss Stone
Rider Style: Knee down on public roads, Dainese one piece suit.
When it Rains:: Slides the back end a bit more.
In the Pub: Is silent, contemplating the bike, which is parked in the foyer.
Pillion Style: Never, ever. One seater.
In: Pirelli Super Corsas, Desmosedici road model, Ducati rider club, Ducati rider website, Ducati t-shirts, jocks, keyring, bottle opener, toothpicks.
Out: Aprilia, Dunlops, Bayliss.
posted by thr at 2:13 pm


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven'e the first clue about what the hell this whole article has been about!

1/20/2005 6:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is funny :) thanks for the laugh

5/21/2005 4:34 am  

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