That shit ain't funny...

Actually, it is.

There goes my body!!

After a slight screw up over my work roster this week- where I turned up on my day off, I though "Well bugger this I am off somewhere..." And so, gentle reader I find myself at Jenjen's place in Inverloch- where she is starting her new windsurfing, kitesailing and kayak hire/lessons business.

I was convinced that I was going to get rained on pretty harshly- the forecast said so, the sky even said so.

BUT ALL LIED- thank god. I bought a map and just decided where I thought it would be nice to ride through. So 14 Kilometres after the turn off to the South Gippy Hwy I turned left towards Kernot, Kongwak and beyond to Inverloch. I just guessed that it was kinda twisty and hoped the roads would be decent..

And they were spectacular.

Absolutely. The pic on the right is NOT fake. It's the real deal kiddies! Click on it to see the full size...

It's all winery/dairy land and the drought has certainly broken here. Verdant green landscapes. It was hilly all the way- very, very scenic and lots of first gear corners. I wasn't pushing on too hard- too much gravel, bumps and cow shit, but still some of the best solo riding I have experienced. A hidden treasure- very English and the tightness of the turns combined with the views were a highlight.

So much so that I went for an evening blast up to Korumburra. No risk of getting booked- the speed limit is 100 and it's a struggle to get there much of the time! On the way back into Inverloch there are a few stretches where you can get into the license RED zone. I won't say much- but when you red line an S3 in 5th and then grab 6th, you are fairly motoring along...

I even slowed down and took some pics with the mobile phone camera while riding. I know it seems silly or even stupid, but I made it look a lot faster than it was- maybe 25 k's by the time I pressed the button. But with black leathers and my black helmet and visor it looks kinda cool.

Even for me!

In Wonthaggi, I bought a cask of mediocre red and have fair ploughed into the son of a bitch. We've got Faithless up way loud and here I am blogging.

This is in real time folks... REAL TIME!

Zephyr Water Sports- Coming soon when I get around to it...
Inverloch- It's frickin' ace!

The MotoGP Weekend!!

Whilst not a disaster, there were a few "mistakes" made along the way.

Friday

In a huge suprise (not) we were slightly late to Cafe Racer, only to find that Dirty and Dr Rudi were also late. Matt was on time- or early. Dr Rudi needed to do some ( a lot) of catching up... and did so LONG after we should have left. More phaffing about ensued. Finally we all got suited up again, started up and rode off- to the BP on Marine pde.


So finally we head out onto the road to The Island. The usual boring as all hell ride- Cops everywhere, cars, other bikes and so on ensures that you sit on 100 the whole way.

Arrival at out accommodation was hilarious to say the least. Me Waysell and I find ourselves inside the beach house with a room to ourselves, while the boys find themselves outside in the shed- the windowless, Spartan shed on beds about an inch wide. Dirty brought his "gay pride" sleeping bag, which sent Dr Rudi into hysterics. I'm sure Dirty was very warm, comfy and downright gorgeous in his "love cocoon".

We got to the track just in time- for the MotoGP practice to END. I left the bike key in the bike and had to make a mad dash to get it back so was in a right state once trackside. We walked to the bridge to watch the 125's and 250's practice and then headed down to turn one. Stunt rider Matt Mingay came out on his exhaust-less GSXR 1000 and blew us away with some sick stoppies, wheelies, burnouts and other shit. He would continue to do so for the whole event. Dr Rudi encouraged me to learn a few tricks and become a stunt rider- I am I am!!

We walked the entire track that day and got to see many races, practices and one or two harmless prangs. As we went past the MotoGP autograph session Waysell suggested we queue up. I suggested we not do so. "Saturday will be fine" Boy would I regret that little piece of stupidity...


The worst accident of the day was in the Aust 125's. Some how, someone clashed coming down the front straight (at around 220 km/h) and they went BANG big style. Two bikes down and the riders well winded. It turned out neither were seriously injured, but the thing about seeing a prang like this is that you don't know that at the time. One rider got up, leant against the armco, then decided that lying on the ground was far more comfortable.

Dirty and I saw the bikes in question in the pits the following day and it was a fine mess. Wheels and forks destroyed- quite amazing that there was not a bone broken...

After a day in the sun, we both got a little sunburnt. We headed into Cowes for a pizza and some (light) beers. Matt spotted Kawasaki's Andrew Pitt and evidently decided that it was as good as any time to make a goose of himself.

It went a little like this:

Matt: HI!
Andrew Pitt: ... hi
[pause]
Matt: Good luck...!! [smiles]
Andrew Pitt:...err ...thanks
[pause]
[long pause]
[very long pause]
Matt: !?
[exit stage left]

He felt like a right goofball. And provided us with a great laugh. Matched only by this exchange:

Matt:[talking about the bike club he's in] We ride with a leader and a sweeper, that way no one ever gets lost...
Dr Rudi: No one ever?
Matt: No one ever!
Dirty [ashamed] ... I got lost...
[laughing at- not with]

We retired to our abode for a quiet sleep- only to be awoken by our new housemates partying on until 3.30am. Great...
Day Highlights: Finally getting there, watching the MotoGP's for the first time, Matt Mingay stuntrider, the weather.
Lowlights: Late for first MotoGP practice, nasty Aust 125 accident on main straight, not queuing for Bayliss autograph, being woken at 3am.

Saturday

Waysell was all organised and had us up early and off to Cowes to buy items for the day. There were several reasons for this:

The food at the track was all shite

The price of the food was waaay over the top

I had been playing the trouser trumpet all night and made her angry

So we bought the little packs of cereal, some milk, apples, rolls and such and went to turn 12 to watch the early MotoGP practice.

The boys joined us a little later. We went through the AMCN GP expo and Waysell spied three point fold up chairs for $20 a pair.

We bought 'em and went to turn 1, for what turned out to be the best session of the day. Views of turn 1, southern loop, Honda corner, Siberia and beyond. A super screen right in front of us, and my mobile phone tuned into the on track radio station. Bright sun, few people and a chance for Waysell to get some sleep.

Matt Mingay came out on his V-Rod Harley and did the biggest burnouts and insane feet- on- the- pillion pegs wheelies up the straight. He returned later to do his 200k's an hour titanium shoes skitching. Insane.

That evening we returned to Cowes and I managed to catch the end of the panel discussion- how's this for a lineup: Greg Rust, Wayne Gardner, Darryl Beattie, Mick Doohan, Bill Woods(host), Peter Goddard, Ant West and Casey Stoner.

They chatted about this and that (Barry Sheene too..) and then Casey decided to make a bit of a star of himself...:

Bill Woods: Well it's Casey Stoner's birthday tomorrow and I can think of no greater present than a win here at Phillip Island... Casey?
Casey Stoner: Yeah.. Winning here would be great for my birthday. The best thing is... errr. well... my birthday will be around this time every year [pause].. [crowd laughing]

He's a really good rider, thank God.

Anyway we were off home again - and once again our new housies went off in the night- crazy party animals!

Highlights: The weather, Australian Superbike race, Cath Thompson in the Aust 125GP, the Harley wheelie, the chairs!
Lowlights: None really!

Sunday

The early hours of Sunday found me awake listening to the sound of wind and rain and what sounded like hail on the roof. Out in "Club Shed", the boys had been kept awake (or at least woken early) by the sounds of nature.

It did not look good, inspiring or even interesting.

Thanks to the party doods we scored more bacon than we could eat and a few eggs. TV on and we watched Bill Woods looking like a drowned rat. Matt had already called it and gone home. We made preparations to do the same.

Which we did about 1pm. While fuelling up I noticed it brightening towards the west. Waysell was keen to stay (I think it was because she was warm for once!), but we had turned for home.

So we went. Apart from nearly headbutting a Galah it was pretty uneventful Home in time to watch the main event- in GLORIOUS FRICKIN SUNSHINE!! As Waysell said "We missed the one thing, the one reason we went there...".

Whilst that pissed me off, it was still nice to watch it while being warm and dry...

Highlights: Being dry again, bacon, bacon, bacon.
Lowlights: Missing watching the race in bright sunshine...

The Art Of Coarse Sailing

One of the all time funniest books I have ever read is "The Art Of Coarse Sailing" by Michael Green. I lost my copy (or more precisely lent it to someone who really liked it too!) nad in a fit of inspirations (can one have a fit aof inspiration?) bought it a few minutes ago from amazon.com.

The definition of a Coarse (*note NOT "course") Sailor varies, but can be summed up thus:

One who, in a crisis, screams "FOR CHRIST SAKE TURN LEFT!

Though written and set in the 50's. It is a timeless tale for anyone who has been in a sailing boat- and buggered up. These clowns run aground, snap masts under closing draw bridges, nearly sink, mutiny and generally have a ball. My favourite mental image is when they tie up and go to the pub, only to return to find the boat hanging off the pier as the tide has gone a long way out.

Classic stuff!
Coarse Sailor's Beaufort Scale
My guide to coarse windurfing- published in Atlanta, USA
Buy the Book at Amazon

I even wrote my own version (link above).

To ensure it never gets deleted, here it is in all its' glory:


CALM 0kmh 0knots Smoke rises vertically Sea like a mirror.
What This Means: Coarse sailor has day off work to go sailing. Ends up mowing lawn. Checks out sailboarding shop. Buys gear will never use. But gotta have it all. Hides new gear in old bag to prevent getting grief from partner at home. Friend calls an asks partner what they think of sailors new toy. Silent treatment for two days for each offence.
LIGHT WINDS 19 km/h or less 10 knots or less Wind felt on face; leaves rustle; ordinary vanes moved by wind. Small waveless, ripples formed but do not break: A glassy appearance maintained.
WTM: Coarse sailor goes to the beach to pray to wind Gods. Rigs up that 8.0m again and flaps it about on the beach, without any intention of actually going sailing. Puts it down for a moment , a gust lifts it up and impails it on a sign. It has still not got wet...
Option 2: Actually goes out! Sinks up to waist, falls in and swims. Friends laugh heartily but think to themselves "that was me once....yesterday"
Option 3: Stands on waters edge with wind meter calling out everytime it gusts over 8 knots. Gets back to find big scratch mark down car door, put there by grateful listener.
.
MODERATE WINDS 20 - 29km/ h 11-16 knots Raises dust and loose paper; small branches are moved. Small waves - becoming longer; fairly frequent white horses (whitecaps). Coarse sailors go out in their droves. Rig 4, maybe 5 times to be certain. Puts on wetsuit, has a sneaky
urination in it before going out. Wind drops out and goes home. Wetsuit sits in back of car for a week and begins to smoke.
Option 2: Rig up in record time (2 hours-forgot harness) gets out and flounders due to too small sail. Swims in, then tells family "had a great day". Has a quiet weep in the toilet.
Option 3: Had family day planned. Sits looking out window throwing hands in the air making small rodent noises. Gets abused by partner for being selfish. Leaves early, gets gear, goes to beach. It's either dark, windless, snowing or all.
FRESH WINDS 30 -39km/h 17- 21 knots Small leaves in trees begin to sway; crested wavelets form on inland water Moderate waves, taking a more pronounced long form; many white horses
are formed - a chance of some spray
WTM: Local Sailboard shop brings in sandwich board to stop it ending up inmiddle of road. Sand gets in eyes. Non sailors tell you "You are mad to go out in this" . Coarse sailors smile wistfully, but are beginning to get The Fear.
Option 1: Too windy for first coarse victims. "Gottta get my board/sail/piles fixed", "Too cold/hot/moderate to sail", "Got family function" are the top three excuses.
Option 2: Rigs 6.0, gets out through shore break on 15th attempt. Gets over last wave, gets into straps, catapaults through sail, floats in , retires from windsurfing. Cries in the water, on the beach and in the car on the way home. Vomits up sea water at family dinner table.
Option 3: "Sails" for a few hours, which consists of going out, falling at gybe, 15 minute waterstart, thrown over the boom, waterstart again, sail, catapault, waterstart, sail, blow gybe and so on. Too exhausted to derig, has to call friend/partner on mobile phone to help pack up. Also thinking about giving it all up...
STRONG WINDS: Large waves begin to form; the white foam crests are more extensive with probably some spray
WTM: Sailboard shop employees tell callers "it's howlin'" and ask for time off/ knock off early. Coarse sailors head in to get out their 3.5s for some reason. Everyone else rigs 5.0ms,4.5s. Coarse sailor drives home in wetsuit to get the 4.5. Arrives in time to see wind drop out completely.
Car seat ruined by polluted water
Option 1: Coarse sailor rigs 4.5, but shorebreak is unbelievable ("Over double mast high" will tell mates in pub later) Gets worked, "shuffles" downwind about a mile, then breaks mast. Comes in up polluted canal. Walks back, changes clothes (wetsuit shredded) and then drives car down to new " secret location" to retrieve gear. Does not tell partner at home about mast. It's three masts this year alone....
Option 2: Coarse sailor moans about knee/arm/rig/board/whatever problem that prevents sailing in these great conditions. Holds court in the beer garden telling everyone stories from Hawaii/Spain/Costa Rica/West Oz/ Antarctica trip. Plans big trip to wherever with likeminded sailors for the fourth year running. Yet to go.
STRONGER... 51 - 62km/h 28- 33 knots Whole trees in motion; inconvenience felt when walking against wind. Sea heaps up and white foam from breaking waves begins to be blown in streaks along direction of wind.
WTM: Local Guru tuns up and rigs up. Speaks to no one. Doesn't go out - yet. Local Sailboard store has sudden disease that forces sudden, immediate closure. Coarse sailors are strewn accross the beach like a failed wartime beach landing. Those lucky enough not to have gone out are half
smashed in the pub. Robby Naish stories now star themselves. Beer Garden Coarse sailors have now moved inside the pub as their beer froth keeps getting blown off. Several concerned people think about calling coast guard/water police, but several of the coarse sailors involved are already
coast guard/water police. Two coarse sailors make it back to where they started unharmed. Become instant celebrities. Also decide to retire.
GALE 63 - 75 km/h 34-40 knots Twigs break off trees; progress generally impeeded. Moderately high waves of greater length; edges of crests begin to break into spin drift; foam is blown in well marked streaks along the direction of the wind.
WTM: Sign outside pub blows off, injuring several "sailors" returning from the beach. Early retirees in the pub are semi conscious. Beach near deserted. Local guru goes out, throws high, one handed forward- over-rotates, lands, snaps leg floats in. Even gurus have their coarse days. Sailboard shop employees go back to shop, realising front door is unlocked. Get back, re rig a 3.5 and sail up wind where they can't be asked questions about gear. Remaining sailors on the water are knighted, given awards and can now park in the disable spots at the beach. Which they can technically do anyway. Older sailors talk about the "good old days" (the 80's) When they "used to go out in wind like this all the time".
STRONG GALE: 76 - 87 km/h 41-47 knots Slight structural damage occurs -roofing dislodged; larger branches break off. High waves; dense streaks of foam; crests of waves begin to topple, tumble and roll over; spray may affect visibility.
WTM: Coarse Sailors too scared to drive into car park at beach. Local guru still in shore break with broken leg. In agony, no-one to help. Sailboard shop employees remember "I think we have an old (1985) 3.0m Hood out the back" and returns to shop only to find queue a mile long
of sad dejected coarse sailors with destroyed equipment under their arms. Decides to make money rather than sail.
Meanwhile: Coarse sailors in the pub wonder whether roof is going to get blown off. Discuss windiest day they have ever been out in/heard of. Last few sailors return from beach with amazing tales of survival.
STORM 88 -102 km/h 48-56knots plus Very rarely experienced- widespread damage Exceptionally high waves; small and medium sized ships occasionally lost from view behind waves; the sea is completely covered with long white patches of foam; the edges of wavecrests are blown into froth.
WTM: Coarse sailors say THIS is the windiest day they have ever seen. Sailboard shop roof lifts slightly with each gust. Pub loses tiles off roof. Weather conditions lead the nightly news with tales off "stupid sailboarders rescued from death" story. Coarse sailors leaving the pub find
that the boards and other assorted gear has blown off never to be seen again. Sailboard shop proprietor rubs hands with glee…

Bolta is at it again..

Old Andrew Bolt- you just HAVE to hate him.

That aside it's also blissfully easy to toast his ass as well.

The proof is in: "Iraq's WMD programs spanned more than two decades, involved thousands of people, billions of dollars, and were elaborately shielded by security and deception operations that continued even beyond the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom." (the recent war)

THAT cover-up continues. As recently as July, inspectors searching an Iraqi jail found the still-warm ashes of documents burned in what seems to have been part of an organised effort to destroy evidence of WMD.

...True, no actual WMD have yet been found, but Kay argues they may have been smuggled across the borders, stolen or hidden.

Documents prove sweet FA. I can download a bomb recipe from the net, print it out etc. But only when I build a bomb, or at least assemble the ingredients can you say that you have proof.

Until then, the WMD smoking gun is not smoking. There isn't even a gun...

*note: Good riddance to Saddam and his family, cronies etc. But why not simply say- "We are going in to kick this guys ass for all the years of annoyance and pain he's caused us and his people. We also reckon this will scare the shit out of a host of other similar dictators to boot.
We further reckon we might find WMD's, but really who needs excuses with an asshole like Saddam..." And I think people might respect that. They might not agree, but they would respect the motivation and the (shiver) HONESTY!
It's the pretense and lies that make it seem very Vietnam...

What do you call it when the assasins accuse the assasin ? They lie.. they lie and we have to be merciful for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. How I hate them..."

Colonel Kurtz- Marlon Brando- "Apocalypse Now"


Herald Sun: Iraq: the lies go on [09oct03 Andrew Bolt]
Apocalypse Now Script

The Molly's

Although the voting and nominations for the ARIA's are in, my favourite awards, The Molly's are not yet in full swing.

Here's what the Molly's are all about:

the Mollys are Australian music's peak award for mediocrity. They are the fitting reward for a year of hard work on the rock and roll factory floor, a reflection of the unique talents that go to work making large amounts of unmitigated guff.

We'd like to take a moment to thank our inspiration, the man who has given his name to these awards, Mr Ian 'Molly' Meldrum. Although he doesn't know it, Mr Meldrum has been an inspirational force to people in music throughout Australia. He's a living embodiment of all the principles the Molly Foundation holds dear: the triumph of awfulness, mediocrity and crass commercialism over everything else. The fact that Molly has managed to carve a niche in the Australian music industry has gladdened the hearts of sad try-hards across the nation; he is walking, talking, living, breathing proof that anyone can succeed, no matter how talentless.

So I decided to kick things off with a post to mono.net to see what awful things people like, or in this case HATE.
Hate is good, hate works. Love the hate. Fell the power flow, blah blah.


mono.net - My Molly's.
The Molly's Official site
The ARIAs- where the real mediocrity happens

Sexy as...

Ducati have released a limited edition "Matrix Reloaded" 998s and Monster 620ie (perfect for me Waysell!). The strange thing is the bike in the movie was matt black. I'm not sure you can even get one in matt black (in the 998 or 999), but that's promo items for you- close but no cigar.

DUCATI.COM.AU News
More details from Ducati.com
The Stunt Double got a Duke 996 for her trouble...!

Some of My Best Friends..

We Cat-o-licks need to work on the whole confirmation/first communion thing. Not for the greater glory of God etc, but so we can look as funky as our Jewish bretheren. Truly scary stuff here kids.

The Michael Jackson impersonator at a Jewish Bar Mitzvah is frickin all time...



Bar Mitzvah Disco Gallery

Spoooooooooky

This has probably been around for ages, but its worth it anyway. Try it out:

Concentrate on the four dots in the middle of the picture, for about 30 seconds.
Then tilt your head back and stare at a blank white part of the ceiling or wall.
Keep looking ... you will see a circle of light, look closer at the circle...
What do you see?

Freaky huh?

Published Shite Elsewhere...

I have, over the years, written quite a few letters to The Age.

Some serious, most not (or at least serious with sarcasm).

So, with a few spare minutes and a Google ego search here are the results:

Louis goes for a job. I set a trap for recruitment agencies- will they fall for it.... Of course they will.

Army lightbulb joke... Who should be allowed in the army? Anyone stupid enough to apply- thanks Bill Hicks!

Someone actually suggested that pubs only have jazz music. And now you will know my feelings on fucking jazz...

Chopped birdy. Popularity with the quasi green lobby is my strong point.

A serious letter. On motorbikes and licensing.

On why I think Harry Potter is a NERD! Did not get favourable response.

Silly But Funny dept

I think this song has the potential to be huge, huge, huge. It's been around a while, but I think it could be about time to send it to a heap of radio stations for review. If Liam Lynch's "United States Of Whatever" can make it- then this can to. Click below for inanity. You need to have flash to get it to work...

I just want bang, bang, bang...
Flash download

Biting The Arm of the Hand That Feeds dept.

Sometimes kitty just doesn't want to play anymore. Roy Horn has found out the hard way.

Standby for the usual animal rights people to have a barney...

Mauled magician recovering - www.theage.com.au

Anna Careerisova

On a seemingly sad note, it appears Anna Kournikova's career may be over

I don't recall it ever starting...
Injury could spell the end for Kournikova - www.theage.com.au

The Great Ocean Road

There's a bit of a fuss going on in The Age's Drive section about how the speed limit on the GOR is unrealistic at 100k's an hour. Maybe for Grandad with the caravan on and the wife trying to knit in the front seat (nothing wrong with that btw!), but for moi on often mentioned S3 100 is fine. In fact more would be nice- but I appreciate that it's not on.

But the double lines are just soooooo conservative it's not funny. Great staraight stretches of road are double lined to prevent people from passing- probably due to previous accidents causwed by slow movign cars not pulling into the turn out lanes provided.

But back to the lines- I flaunt 'em. Even with Waysel on board, I bang down a gear and pass over the doubles all the way. With the S3 being able to roll from 80- 130 kmh in less than 3 seconds, I only need a small space to get past.

And I am sure the drivers I pass enjoy the blast from the "track use only" exhaust I have.

[On reflection above looks like a petrol head rant. It's not. Get a bike. you'll soon understand...]

Great Ocean Road
Netrider dot Org dot Ay-yew
Triumph Australia

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Gay Friendly Monday!

Monday nights have become a triumph of gay-ness my wonderful friends!! Yes it's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, followed by Queer As Folk. My very staunch straight man about town Mr Tricky did ok with it until they tried to get the straight guy to kiss one of the gay boys on the bed. Oh Trickster- get over it. At least it was blatant homo promo unlike Top Gun!!

Quentin Tarantino: Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.
[Duane: It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.]
QT: It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.

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Just some general housekeeping work.

I've added a "comment" section so you can all whine and whinge and hopefully suggest.

It's better than giving out my email address- which I am not going to do for spam related reasons...